Hey all, and the non all,
here is yet another of my blogs in which in an attempt to tell myself I can still write because hell that is not painful AT all, that your likely to get sucked into, and probably me too, for like the first two posts until I get bored, hurt, stressed, confused or go into some kind of denial...
I can't explain who I am or explain why I went into SW because if I do I'll have to explain why I stopped writing why I stopped making people laugh, and why I became a crap mother, and I'm not strong enough to advocate for myself even if I am for other people, so lets agree that the elephant in the room that we all agree isn't there until if ever I agree we can address it? stick with it and maybe I'll grow enough to ride that elephant and paint it pink?
I cant do a back story because I don't have an inkling to make me or you feel better, if you want to think that I am unselfish and giving,.. more fool you. if you want to pretend that I fell into the role I will ride that wave with you but lets not analyse who or why I am what I am.
Right back in the beginning or pre SW a bit like the bible without offending the whole christian community I was an SW I just did not have the degree or the title to say so. I know I am older and therefore more friendless than I have ever been (hold the thought i'm going for a fag......) Oh crap I should never get drunk and smoke with my mum at home it makes me cry and it makes me talk the truth... (don't worry it doesn't make sense in my drunken head either) anyway back to the SW thing... my kitchen table has seen a ridiculous amount of people sit and wail / cry / scream and my personal favorite cuss (like fuck shit and piss) and its seen a lot and i mean a hella lot of advice fall from my addled brain... actually kinda good advice that I can't give myself to fix others... if I had a soundtrack it would defiantly feature I will fix you (cold play? and that is probably wrong since my music knowledge sucks but I can as I hope for you hear the song in my head?) the kind of friends who were so absorbed in them that any conversation when they arrived at my door step never started with hey how are you? (in which I would have said pretty shit, I don't know who I am, I hate waking up not dead and BTW did i mention I HATE being a mother since I suck so bad at it?) blah blah waffle ego centric me, as I said to my bestest buddy the other day and its taken a ton of years to get here I am a fabulous advocate for others, I just suck at it for me.... if kitchen tables had ears, they'd have said fuck it (i love / heart the word FUCK it just sums up who / what / how I feel most of the time) get a SW degree and go out there and fix the world.... and it might not have been my kitchen table but something made me wake up and grow up (don't worry its not permanent) and go get that damn degree... so that I could be a SW with a degree and a registration and all even if I still can't fix me.... and in some ways getting that degree was a waste of my time, it gave others that all important weapon (that hurts me far more than any of them will ever understand) in which I cannot have a debate / discussion in where I get accused of SW someone rather than that being my actual opinion (heaven forbid)
Crap I don't think I am ready to go here, I only started this today to prove to myself I can still write for fun.,... but you know what I can't so I'll just settle for I tried and blame myself in my dreams tonight for starting another blog drunk but if life's had sound tracks this would be tonight's